


The Crack Adventures of Dead By Daylight

by BotanyKnowledge, CalmSpirited



Series: The Crack Adventures of Dead By Daylight [1]
Category: Dead by Daylight (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, There will be all the ships and crack, more to be added - Freeform, this is serious crack guys be warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-12-11 05:16:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11707569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BotanyKnowledge/pseuds/BotanyKnowledge, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalmSpirited/pseuds/CalmSpirited
Summary: You know, when you don't have an unstoppable killer after you, (sometimes even when you do), The Entity's Realm is a very... crack- filled place.Mostly Tumblr inspired.





	1. Borrowing Without Permission

Sitting upon a fallen tree, Jake sat with a small notebook in his lap, and was sketching out what appeared to be a small cabin surrounded by trees. It was quite detailed, really. After a while of intense sketching, Jake pulled a phone out of his many jacket pockets, and used the artificial light from it to closely look at his drawing, smudging it in certain places, erasing it in others. Squinting his eyes against the light, he leaned back slightly to admire his work. Not too bad, he thought, before looking up to put his drawing to into perspective with the scene in front of hi-

“You have quite the imagination, don’t you?”

Jake jumped back slightly at the figure in front of him, but quickly relaxed again once he saw who it was. “Hello, Entity. Fancy seeing you here. I would have thought that you would be sleeping off your latest meal now.” A polite greeting, as far as Jake concerned. Him and the Entity had a… peculiar relationship. Most of the other survivors were either afraid of the spider abomination or hated Them with a fiery passion to the point where they would spare no words to their captor. Of course, Jake was mad to be here, but being mad at someone never stopped him from at least trying to have a decent conversation with said person.

And, surprisingly enough, he found that he could at least have a polite discussion with the Entity, as long as he hadn’t been on a Saboteur rampage lately, breaking hooks like it was The Entity’s fine china plates.

“I would have been, but your FRIENDS made it impossible to.” One long, drawn out altruistic shitfest later, and Their servant walked away with a limp and empty- handed, only giving them a brief taste of a soul the short duration they were on a meathook. The Entity knew that all of Their Killers were trying their hardest to keep up with Their ravenous appetite, but it seemed like Their appetite was growing at an exponential rate, something not even the best Killers could keep up with.

Looking back down at possibly one of Its more troublesome Survivor They’ve ever had, Their attention was taken when They saw the object in Jake’s hand. “I see you have stolen Claudette’s telephone.”

Telephone. TELEPHONE. Sometimes, Jake couldn’t help but be amused at how little the Entity knew or cared about the outside world at times. Especially physics. Not that he knew a lot about physics either, but he would bet every single hacksaw he had that he knew more than the Entity will ever know. This also applied to the other Killers as well. Except for maybe the Doctor, if he even had a degree in anything.

“I prefer the term ‘borrowed without permission’. ‘Stealing’ implies that you aren’t going to return the item you’ve taken. I fully intend on giving Claudette her phone back.” Jake had taken it after giving Claudette a loving embrace before heading off to a Trial and slipped it out of her jacket while giving her fine ass a good, playful squeeze. He really just wanted the light off of it, but after figuring out her password by looking at the screen and seeing slight permanent fingerprint marks where the numbers were, he had started looking at some of the photos on her phone, and honestly thought about confessing to ‘borrowing’ her phone just so he could find out why some of these pictures even existed. 

“Why is it that every new Survivor that I collect has one of those things?” A question half- posed at Jake, the Entity was truly wondering why it seemed like everyone these days had a telephone. Back when Their husband was still living within his mortal shell, They had heard that the telephone was a relatively new invention, only owned by the wealthy. They were quite big and bulky, too, but now, it seems as it has shrunken to a size to which they could carry easily in their pocket. They surely didn’t have much use for them here, seeing as they could not call anybody, based on observation.

Hearing the spider demon God in front of him perplexed about modern technology made him chuckle lowly and shake his head. He would take explaining modern tech to an eldritch spider over being chased by a ruthless Killer anytime. He wasn’t a huge phone person himself, but he did enjoy using them from time to time. It’s not the first time he's borrowed Claudette’s phone without permission before.

“Nowadays, it’s more than just a telephone. They are multi- purposeful now, all thanks to Steve Jobs. Although, it would be nice if this place had some Internet.” You would be surprised how much Jake would like to have some connection to the outside world after all these years of being in this Hell, but even if the Entity knew what the Internet was, there was no chance in-

“Internet. Such a thing would be useless here.” Musing over Its own words, the overlord of this Realm raked Its eyes over Jake. If there’s one thing that the Entity was, It was curious. Its never ending curiosity was almost childlike, as to why It kept adding in new things, new Killers, new rules all the time. It had heard of the Internet, of course, but Its knowledge of it was relatively limited. Curious. What would Park do if he had access to such a thing?...

“But… it DOES sound interesting… Suppose… Suppose I DID give you access to the ‘Internet’. What would you do then?” Jake was thoroughly surprised by the inquiry, but he actually thought about it and came up with an answer.

“Well, the first thing I would do is… make a phonecall. A very important phonecall.” Firstly, to his mother, if his disappearance of her youngest and favorite son didn’t just kill her. “Then maybe, I don’t know, watch the news or something, haven’t really thought past step one.” I mean, a man can dream, but here, dreams aren’t usually gumdrops and rainbows. 

As the Entity watched Its little pest think and speak, It decided ‘what’s the harm?’ in letting Jake have the Internet, so long as he doesn’t break anything, or anyone, with it. Besides, the Entity did like causing chaos every now and then, and this would be the perfect shakeup in Their Realm. “You intrigue me, Park, and that may or may not work in your favor. Let’s see how much damage you can cause with something that doesn’t even technically exist.” And with that, the Entity simply waved Their hand in the direction of Jake and Claudette’s phone, and then vanished with a sudden fog that disappeared as soon as it showed up.

The phone in Jake’s hand vibrated, and he looked down to see the words WIFI CONNECTED flash across the screen before it went away, and Jake just stared. That’s not how it works. But, really, when has anything here worked like it's supposed to? When do things make sense? Never. But still, wifi doesn’t work like that, but, after going into settings, apparently it does, so who is he to question and complain? Jake’s the kind of person who is not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Pressing the 'Call' icon, he dialed in a number he hasn't talked to in 5 years. He's got some explaining to do.


	2. LED is OP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake gets to try out his new toy. I think Dwight gets hurt the most, personally.

Waking up in Shelter Woods wasn’t the greatest location to wake up in, (actually it was pretty bad not gonna lie) but Jake would make due with what was presented to him. But the first thing he did, the very first thing he did…

He checked his pockets, and sure enough, Claudette’s phone was there.

And Jake felt giddy. Something he hasn’t felt in a while.

He looked around and saw an untouched generator to his left, and a hook. But, he didn’t feel like sabo Jake today, so he started working on the gen like a good teammate. He had started working on the generator up to the second piston when he heard tell- tale growling behind him, and Jake quickly turned his head to see the barely shimmering silhouette of The Wraith heading for him.

Jake immediately stopped working altogether and spun around to face the approaching Killer. He saw, actually he stopped seeing, the Warith stop in his tracks, simply staring at Jake for a moment, before he raised his arms to uncloak himself. And that’s when Jake shoved his hand into his jacket pocket and whipped out Claudette’s phone in a flash and pressed the button on the screen that said “LIGHT ON”.

The effect was immediate.

\-----------

Almost as soon as the light hit the Wraith, his body was burning with the power of, what felt like, a thousands suns. He’s never felt stunned like this before, whatever Park had was powerful, to say the least. It took considerably much longer to regain his balance and his awareness, and by that point, the little hoodlum was nowhere in sight or to be found.

Whatever he had, the Wraith was going to get ahold of it, and utterly destroy it.

\------------

As soon as he had stunned the Wraith, Jake took off, running a good yard before stopping to Urban Evasion his way being some trees and into some high grass. By the time he had gotten settled and then some, the killer had just regained himself and started looking around for him, but it seemed as if they quickly gave up and reclocked. Jake released the breath he didn’t remember holding and looked own at the phone he had shoved back into his pocket.

He smiled so wide it hurt. And he started giggling like a madman, and try as he might, there was no stopping his giggling fits.

\-----------

Dwight had been walking through the dense forestry, looking for a gen to work on or someone to help. What he found however, was a giggling Jake, and that scared him more than any other killer he encountered. He had never seen Jake giggle, and very few times laughing. He thought that was a sight reserved for Claudette, or maybe even Meg, but there he was, just laughing away at something he was holding. 

Dwight tries to be a brave boy, but he knows that he’s not really that brave. Nowhere near brave enough for this. So, instead of investigating of why Jake’s acting like the Joker, he simply turns around and walks away from the whole spectacle. He’s not going to get involved in whatever Jake’s doing.

\------------

After deciding that he had nothing to lose and everything to gain, Jake started actively seeking out the Wraith, running all over the place and fast vaulting over windows to get his attention. It took a while, a gen being finished in the meantime, before he found his target. The killer wasn’t facing him, so it was easy for him to run up behind him as he was uncloaking to chase poor Dwight, whip out his WMD and stun the Wraith into the next century. Running away from his little drive- by, Jake took a moment to recollect himself from laughing ‘til he was blue in the face, and about how he ended up at this point

\----- Flashback -----

After calling his mother and telling her that he was okay, albeit rather with pieces of his soul missing, Jake had wiped away the tears from his eyes (he’s a mama’s boy, okay), and exhaling a sigh, then looked to see what Claudette's phone actually had, app and capability wise. Jake had arrived here a couple of years after Claudette did, so he knew that there was some things she was missing out on, so he took it upon himself to update her phone, firstly installing Snapchat, and while he was looking in the App Store, something caught his eye. It was a highly- rated app for a LED light for your phone. He simply gazed upon it for a few moments, before deciding “what the hell?” and downloaded it too.

After it had finished, Jake decided to try it out. And it worked. It fucking worked. Like everything else here, it didn’t make sense, nor did it follow any laws of the Universe, but it worked, and Jake’s mind ran wild with millions of possibilities. My God, this is better than any flashlight, he was going to be tunneled to Kingdom Come, but that’s nothing ne-

And then he thought of the Wraith, and, for the first time in ever, he felt sorry for a Killer.

\----- End -----

By the time he’s done remembering, he composed himself just enough to see that the Wraith had picked up the chase with Dwight, and Jake wasn’t nearly done yet. So, uncharacteristic of him, he ran out into the fray, and managed to position himself infront of the monster after Dwight had threw down a pallet, and insta- blind him. 

Jake’s started laughing full on now as he watched the Wraith swing blindly at them, and stumble forward while Jake kept walking backward and kept the light on him. The Wraith must’ve picked a bad day to equip Shadowborn, because it was apparent that it was hitting him pretty hard, harder than Jake could ever imagined. Eventually, the Killer just turned around so he wasn’t facing Jake, and he took that as a sign to run to the nearest pallet, laughing loudly all the while.

The Wraith followed him, and the same thing happened at the next pallet. And the next. And the next. Until, the Wraith just stopped, turned around, and ran towards something else. It seemed as if the Killer had had enough of Jake’s shenanigans, it seemed. But, our protagonist, or antagonist? At this point, poor Wraith, was not done. Not by a long shot, and followed the Wraith, shouting after him.

“Come back here, you Predator- looking motherfucker, I’m not done with you! Imma give you a colonoscopy with this light! DON’T RUN AWAY FROM ME-!”

\--------------

The Wraith, by this point, had had enough. He couldn’t see Jake Park long enough to land a hit on him, let alone catch him, and cloaking around him was just asking for more pain. Three more generators had been done while he had been futilely chasing him, and, with one more left, and no NOED, he decided that he had to catch at least someone to please his God, he had to try, but, hearing Park yelling and running after him, he had a bad feeling that he might not get anybody.

He saw Dwight again, and tried to catch what was easy prey to many, but Jake Park was still chasing him. How ironic, he thought. The predator becomes the prey it seemed. And while he had come to this realization, the last generator had been activated.

\-------------

It was fun chasing Killers, Jake decided, and it was a good workout, too. A definite change in the Matrix, so to speak. He was aware that the last gen had been activated, and that actually disappointed him a bit. He was having fun! Although, he knew the Entity wasn’t going to be happy about this, he couldn’t find it in him to care about that right now. 

Jake had a moment of sympathy for the Killer and decided to break of pursuit to go open a gate. After opening the door to his freedom, Jake walked to the end and waited. Waited for the Wraith to come and find him. Eventually, his heartbeat picked up, but not before a few crow friends had showed up and Jake had given them a few pets and bits of bread. When the Wraith did show up, Jake took out Claudette’s phone and lets his finger hover over the button. 

Bright, luminescent eyes piercing his, Jake felt the need to explain himself a little bit. “You can thank the Entity for your most illuminating experience tonight. I’ll be very happy to give you an encore.” Jake gave a little bow, and the giggles started up again when he saw his companion’s face. The Wraith’s face couldn’t express many emotions, but he could tell he was pissed by now.

“I don’t know what the Entity has given you, Park, but I can assure you it will be taken from you.” Jake was slightly surprised that he responded to him, but it made this all the more interesting.

“Oh, I know it will, but the question is: when?” And with that, Jake left, leaving the Wraith wondering about how much the Entity truly cared about Its servants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake with a LED phone light is disgustingly OP. And its a great source of fun for the person holding the phone.


	3. Diabolical Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the counter to fun? Lightborn, of course.

By the time Jake had returned to the Campfire, he had mostly gotten himself under control, as long as he didn’t think too hard on it, he could keep the laughing fits under lock. Easier said than done, but upon seeing Claudette lingering by the fire, his mind was suddenly on a different track. He slowly walked over to her and sat down next to her, gently wrapping his arm around her and nuzzling his nose into the side of his face. They were both silent for a few moments, before Claudette spoke up.

“Dwight told me you were acting… different. What’s up?”

Jake briefly considered telling her everything, but, she would most likely demand her phone back, and take it by force if he didn’t produce it, so, he settled for lying to her, something he didn’t particularly like doing, but he wanted to keep this little game going.

“I was having a little fun earlier, and apparently Dwight has never seen me laugh before.” Jake waved his hand dismissively, then pressed a kiss to her cheek, hoping to smooth things over and douse any suspicions she might have. He’s just hoping she doesn’t bring up the subject of her commandeered phone.

Claudette thinks over his words for a moment, before deciding he’s probably hiding something, but, she trusts him to keep himself out of harm’s way as much as he can, seeing as he was on top of the mori list. 

“Hmmm… just be careful, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.” Jake nodded and hugged her tighter, muttering reassurance in her ear.

“Don’t worry, love, I can handle myself out there. I have everything under control.” He really didn’t, but he’s not going to tell her that.

\------------------

Rotten Fields. Wonderful way to start the night. Corn could be easy to juke in, but could be detrimental with killers like the Nurse and the Hillbilly, who find obstacles like walls very bothersome in the chase. He takes a quick look around and sees a closeby generator and, like a good teammate, walks towards it and starts repairing.

He doesn’t get more than knuckle- deep in it before he hears the faint heartbeat reverberate through him and the sound of a chainsaw coming from his righ- Jesus, every single time he tries to do something, he gets interrupted. Can’t anybody around here let him have a moment’s peace of productivity?

Jake sprints away as soon as he locks eyes with the Hillbilly. The chainsaw misses him by a mile, but, nevertheless, the chase is on. He runs straight, not looking back, (because when he runs backwards, he tends to run into things. And that’s why people who run looking backwards in horror movies always die. Let that be a lesson to you all.) until he hears the revving of a chainsaw again. Then dodges left preemptively, changing directions at the last second. The miss was much closer to home this time, but he kept running to the pallet up ahead.

He got there just in time to stun the killer, who had decided to take a swing at him, and remembered. Oh, he almost forgot. 

As soon as he saw the Hillbilly start to break the pallet, he whipped out his phone and activated the bright light, shining it directly into the pinpricks of his eyes, the giggles bubbling out of his throat. If Billy had two cents in his head, he would leave him-

Whack

At first, he thought he had just hit him out of pure luck. But no, he actually could see him, and Jake panicked. Just slightly, though. Because the rest of his mental capacity went to running his ass off and hide the phone hide the FUCKING phone cuz if the killer gets a hold of it it’s going to be destroyed and that’s a lot of explaining to Claudette he does not want to do. It’s not too long before he get hits again, going down with a bitten off cry of pain as his body hits the dirt.

Jake had completely forgotten that the Hillbilly had Lightborn. His plan aren’t always foolproof, you know.

He was picked up and carried to the nearest hook, as per usual routine, and painfully thrown upon it, his scream of pain ringing clear out across the map. It wasn’t long before he could see an outline of another survivor (Claudette, bless her) coming towards him as quickly as she can. Since Billy had chainsawed off down the rows of corn, it was likely that he had gotten preoccupied with something else, so when Claudette got him down, he crouched down, letting her know that he wanted to be healed.

She’s never disappointed him yet.

Just as he got fully healed, there was a scream of someone being mowed down, and judging by the sounds, it was Dwight. Then, a generator popped, followed by a chainsaw being revved up, then the red outline of what Jake presumes to be Meg Thomas hitting the ground. A 2- for- 1 deal, it seems.

He turns to ask Claudette what her plan of action was, perfectly acceptable, seeing as she was the team medic after all, only to get a vague glimpse of the corn moving far ahead of him. Well, that was her plan then. He’s not about to stop her. Last time he did it, didn’t end too well for them. Especially him. So, Jake does what he does third best, and finds a nearby generator to work on.

\-----------------

Meg gets quickly taken down to the basement, which gave Claudette ample time to get Dwight up. But, poor Dwight, he can get so flustered at times that he just runs straight at the Killer without even noticing. Claudette tried to hide along the corn rows, but it was too late, Billy had already seen her, and given chase. It took a couple of missed hits before one found its mark on her shoulder, cattle hammer landing a crushing blow. She used the little bit of extra speed she had gotten from that unfortunate encounter to distance herself between the danger, and whipped out her medkit, and quickly tried to fix herself.

By the time she was ready to jump back into the fray, Meg had gone into struggle mode and Dwight had panicked himself into struggling alongside Meg, and Billy had his chainsaw at the ready at the top of the basement stairs. She peeked her head around the window, and locked eyes with her meme son.

“There’s no reason for you to just stand there. I thought you knew better than to camp.” She’s lightly scolding him for his choice of tactic, but all she gets is Billy briefly putting his chainsaw down to tell her to ‘git on back to Jake’, before revving happily again. Claudette heart ached for her dying teammates down there, she wanted so badly to go down there and save them. Her never ending bleeding heart made the decision for her, she broke into a run for the end of the space above the stairs, planning to jump down and see if her meme son was really willing to protect his kills that much-

“OH NO YOU DON’T!”

A hand- Jake’s gloved hand, to be exact- grabbed her arm right before she took the suicidal plunge. He yanked her back from the edge, and didn’t let go of her arm until he had pulled her into the doorway with the pallet.

“Claudette, we talked about this. You do not jump right into the Killer’s arms just to save the others, no matter how much you want to. We wait, we plan, and we execute, and if the Killer camps, we gen rush.” Jake sighed, seeing the distressed look on her face, and her inching back towards the stairs, regardless of the fact Billy was still standing at the base of it with his chainsaw fully revved. Jake leaped in front of her and threw his arms out and blocked her path yet again. “I am not letting you commit altruistic suicide! Claud-” She had tried to run past him and jump at the last second, but he had wrapped his arms around her and held her back. And, good thing he did, because Billy chainsaw- sprinted down the stairs, and would have mowed her down. Nobody moved as the sound of the hot hot spider leggy penetrated Meg and Dwight below them, and they all simply stared at each other; Billy staring up and Jake and Claudette looking down.

Claudette went from blind anger and rage at Jake for stopping her from what he thought was a death sentence, but what she thought was a noble sacrifice, to anger at Billy for his stair camping with a fully revved chainsaw, to suddenly stopping and looking like she was holding back tears in about 5 seconds. Jake would have held her to console her if needed be, but Billy suddenly swooped by him and urged Claudette outside the shack, Jake couldn’t make out everything he said, due to being knocked aside and on the wooden floor, but farming was the subject and the plan. Jake almost went out to farm with them, but a harsh look from the first chainsaw wielder made him remember the fact that he had already gotten enough Objective points for tonight, so he shuffled out the other doorway, to maybe perhaps to find a chest to rummage through, or a hook to sabotage, or maybe even to cl-

“Like a G6, like a G6, now now now now now now I’m feeling so fly like a G6-”

Jake jumped and looked around frantically for the source of the sudden noise, when the vibrations in his pocket led him to connect the dots and establish that Claudette’s phone was ringing.

Wait- hold on hold on hold on h o l d the P H O N E-

Inspecting the phone, he discovered it was your typical 1-800 number, but the fact that he was getting a telemarketer call in Hell wasn’t what made him giddy and grin wider than the Trapper’s mask. You could receive calls here?!? Maybe even make them, or text or-

Declining the call, Jake went for the sections Claudette’s contacts, and seeing the relatively small list, Jake tutted at Claudette’s past lack of social skills, and his finger hovered over the contact labeled “Mom & Dad”. Now, he has a few options here: one, he could just outright call them, but that wouldn’t be that much fun, now would it? He has the second option to just ignore his discovery, but that would be almost sacrilegious to him. And, finally, there’s a third option: fuck with them. The only correct option, of course.

\------------------

Jake propped himself up against a tree near the edge of the map, waiting for the current download to finish on Claudette’s phone, while watching Claudette alternate between working on the generator and the Hillbilly breaking it. A small ‘ding’ from the phone in his lap made him pry his eyes away from his girlfriend and pick up the phone lazily, before becoming much more aware than he just was. He took a few quick peeks up at the two in the background, then stands himself up while opening up the new app he downloaded:

Snapchat

He took a couple of pictures of the two having ‘fun memes’, before deciding on one, and hitting the send button to Claudette’s parents. The photo sent almost instantly, (apparently the Entity has some goodshit wifi) and he got a response almost just as fast, although there were so many and so fast he couldn’t read them all, but the overall message was clear. Claudette didn’t like to talk much about her parents, not that she didn’t love them, but because talking about them make her extremely sad and homesick, but he did know that they were very much the type of parents to spoil their only child, and it made them smile a bit to see them so concerned. Well, and a bit bad, but that’s beside the point.

He swiped the messages away, and decided to take another picture of Claudette leaping off the combine, which only led to more increasingly worried messages and claims of ‘is this some sort of sick joke!?’, so Jake decided to get a much more detailed picture of Claudette, so he snuck inbetween the rows of corn and got a substantially more in focus and clearer picture of Claudette, along with a Billy in the background, not to forget to mention about taking it selfie style, so her parents actually knew who was taking the photo.

After he sent the aforementioned photo, the messages stopped for a brief moment, and Jake worried that they might have just given up, until he got one, singular message about a minute after he sent the picture.

“Who are you?”

Jake pondered for a few moments on how to respond to such an inquiry, before sending a response:

“I’m Jake.”

He knew that was the most trolliest answer he could have given them, but does Jake really care? Nope. It was all apart of the grand plan.

“Well, hello Jake. Mind explaining why you are sending us pictures of our missing daughter with her phone?”

Jake was actually caught off guard a bit by how calm the message was, so he decided to spare them any suspense in their question, and actually give them a clear answer.

“To let you know how she’s doing, of course.”

“Oh”

Jake giggled at the short response. He knew he was being kinda cruel, but at least he was telling Claudette’s parents that she was… well… there’s not a good word to describe how’s she doing, but she’s doing. He was thinking of something to say until the parents beat him to it.

“Where are you both at?”

Oh, and here came the hard part, the heart tugging part of this whole debacle.

“In Hell.”

“OUR BABY’S IN HELL?”

If Jake had been in a call with them, he’s sure he could have gone deaf because he could hear the shock and anger in their message.

“Well, not exactly Hell, but the next thing to it.”

He could tell that they were sighing on the other end because of how long it took to respond to him.

Then the phone started ringing that song again (Jake couldn’t believe it was that old), and he really debated on answering, like, he’s made some really tough decisions in his life, like dropping out of Yale, to sabo or not to sabo, to get that tattoo, although he was really drunk that night and could barely remember getting it in the first place-

Eh, fuck it. Why not add some more drama in his life anyways? It was always a good thing here, it seemed. Kept everybody entertained.

“Hello?” He held the phone a good distance away from his ear, although he doubt Claudette’s parents even heard him over their 21+ a million questions they immediately fired at him. He let them barrage him with questions for a few minutes until they tired themselves out, then he spoke.

“Have you calm yourselves yet?”

\--------------------

By the time that Jake had managed to convince Claudette’s parents that he wasn’t the one keeping Claudette hostage and that he was actually her boyfriend and a loose explanation of the Entity and it’s bullshit, they were actually quite civil and nice with him, and by the end of the call, they had even started calling him ‘son’. Jake surmised that they thought him and Claudette were a step away from getting hitched.

After all the generators necessary to power up the gates had been powered, Jake met up with Claudette at the exit gate, giving no indication that he had spoken to her parents just prior. After Jake had gotten into the farming a bit, he and Claudette left the Trial, and began the run back to the ever- burning Campfire. Now, here’s Jake’s new dilemma:

Her parents are gonna call back or text or something of the nature, and Claudette’s probably going to have her phone at that time, because Jake has a feeling she’s going to notice it missing soon and ask for it back, which, if he plays his cards right, he might be able to somehow hide all of his misdeeds, but he seriously doubts it. Hell, even thinking about Claudette finding all of this out feels like he’s jinxing it somehow-

“Hey, Jake, where’s my phone? I just noticed it’s been gone for a while.”

Fuck him. Quick, think!

“Oh, yeah, it’s in one of my other clothes back at the Campfire. I’ll give it to you when I wash them out later.” Good, gives him time to cover any track-

“Really? Because Billy told me you had a weird shaped flashlight and-” A slightly- too- high- pitched shriek to be considered manly as Claudette smacked his ass, but was really a ploy to grab her phone hidden there, covered by his long shirt and parka. 

Well, the jig was up, wasn’t it?

He tried to wrap his arms around Claudette, in order to distract her from her current task, but she evades and unlocks her phone and starts looking recent apps opened, all the while Jake trying to put himself between Claudette and her phone, which doesn’t really work well when she has a firm grasp on it. Suddenly she stops and gasps and Jake could see the barest hint of tears forming in her eyes.

“Jake… Jake, you talked to my parents?” Jake starting saying something that sounded like an apology, but was stopped when Claudette started giggling.

“I take it then they liked you. They’ve scared off anybody who I brought home, which wasn’t many.” Jake sighed a bit in relief. At least she wasn’t mad at him: he could handle anything else, but he can only dodge so many of her attempts to shank him.

“But…” Before he could even breathe, she had pulled him down to her eye level, and spoke to him lowly and sternly. “Don’t blind my son ever again with my phone.” He nodded, and she let go of him, and snuggled into his side and continued their walk forward towards their home in Hell.

Jake felt like he just dodged every single Killer at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd that was a little 3 part series and i'm glad I did it finally. I know I said 'frequent', but I have no intentions to end this series until I label it as complete, but now I am going to do more smaller stories in this series, and anybody is free to do requests, and I will consider them! Happy spoopy readings!


	4. Of Thicc and Thin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For notthebasement. I love you dude, and I want to kill (not actually, of course) you with some saucy Kingfield.

Dwight shuddered in his current locker, quietly hoping and praying mentally that the Killer would just pass him on by, pay his harsh breathing no mind and spare his shoulder another hooking tonight. The heartbeat was coming closer (or was it his own, not affected by the Killer?), and his breathing somehow got quicker until he could barely stop himself from hyperventilating. But, one things for certain, the Killer was coming closer to him, and so was someone else.

He heard the sound of someone leaping through a window, and the sound of a blade whacking it only a brief moment later. Trapper. Of course, why is it always him? Dwight just hates him the most, from his sneaky traps to his despicable insidious camping, whenever it’s the Trapper, which is more often than not, his already frustrated mood gets a bit worse. And, even though it’s probably not the best idea, Dwight decides to stay put in his closet. And it’s from that vantage point that he sees who is the unfortunate soul who was being pursued.

David “Tis’ just a scratch, mate” King.

He saw David trying to evade the Killer, and successfully at that, while taunting him all the way with harsh insults and a salty tbag every time he looped around the barn and jumped the window. This went on for a while, and Dwight was almost certain that there was crows circling above his locker, but the Trapper either didn’t notice or didn’t care, he apparently was too invested in David to pay him any mind in his hiding place. 

Eventually, the Killer’s Bloodlust started to really kick in and he was catching up to David now, the seconds- long whiffs were now grazing David’s back, and he could see David pause to taunt the Killer less and less, then after one last loop around the window aside from where he was, he saw the Entity’s spider legs block the window. The spider God had had enough of David’s toxicity, it seemed. David realized this and had to think fast. 

David ran to the other window across and leaped through it one last time, the Entity blocking that as well, and he ended up getting a stun on the Killer at the pallet leaning up against a metal cart. He snuck away into the closet that was farthest away from the side entrance, only to be met with the scared shitless face of Dwight. But, he didn’t have time for that now, so he wordlessly forced his beefy frame besides Dwight, and held his breath, and shoved his hand over Dwight’s mouth to silence his almost dangerous wheezing, and held himself steady and calm as he could be.

Dwight, on the other hand, was losing his mind more so than he already was. He might have, in the short amount of time that David had been here, developed the tiniest bit of a crush on the stronger male, just a small, surely fleeting one, and he definitely wasn’t about to jump out of his skin when David put his bruised, calloused hands over his mouth.

Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about i-

Dwight was so focused on not completely losing his shit over how close David was that he forgot that there was a Killer looking for David right where he was. They probably would have been caught, if not for the generator blowing some distance behind them, and the Trapper going after them to stop any further progress made on escaping, since he had spent probably too much time on David enough as it is. 

But…

That doesn’t mean that the Killer doesn't know where they are, or, at least, has a good guess on where. So, the Trapper picks up a broken piece of pallet, and taking a wild guess, shoves the piece of wood in the handle slots of a random locker, effectively sealing any possible occupants inside, if there were any.

And there was.

Neither Dwight nor David moved an inch when the Trapper appeared with a piece of wood, but David put himself in front of Dwight when the Killer reached for the handles, his protective side came out for his friend. But, there was no need really, as the Killer wasn’t aiming for a grab, aiming for more of an incarceration, or, called in more modern terms:

“Gay Baby Jail”

\----------------

Dwight didn’t know whether or not to be relieved that the Killer wasn’t going to grab him (or David, which was even worse), or frantic because now he was trapped. In a locker. With David. If he doesn’t get out soon, he’s going to die, especially with David crushing him with his massive frame against the back of the locker in an unnecessary attempt to protect him, and now, it appears he was stuck wedged like that now, with David’s strong chest pressed against his, their legs tangled in with one another, and David’s hot breath hitting his cheek did nothing to cool his burning hot face, God, he could just imagine David’s scratchy beard scrapping his chan as he-

“Oi, Dwight. You alright?”

Dwight was pulled out of his fantasy as David spoke lowly to him, almost whispering in his ear on how close he was. Dwight unconsciously shuddered in David’s pseudo grasp and nodded shakily. “Y-yeah. I’m no-not hurt or a-anything.” Wow, way to not keep any sort of cool, Dwight, you might just as well just profess your undying love and affection for the brawny man right here and now.

David’s chuckle drew his eyes back to his friend’s face, and mumbled something about the situation, but Dwight was too busy averting his eyes so he doesn’t stare at David like a creep, but then he has to make sure he doesn’t look down to stare where his hands were resting on David’s chest- oh wait-

Dwight yanked his hands off David’s chest, before he heard David chuckle louder, and a rough but gentle hand tilted his head up towards David’s face, and he barely got a chance to say anything before David’s lips were on his, and Dwight stopped breathing altogether, and stiffened not unlike the piece of wood trapping them in their current location.

A lot of things started happening at one. Time felt too slow yet too fast. Dwight felt like he was dying but never felt more alive than right now, and his hands crept back up to grasp at David’s shirt and somehow push himself more into the broad man if at all possible. David’s lips weren’t as rough as the rest of him, and it didn’t take much of those lips to make Dwight’s legs to turn to jelly, the sole reason he was being held up is David pushing him into the back of the locker, which Dwight didn’t mind one bit, especially when a tongue darted out to lick his lips and whatever remaining hesitation Dwight had left went out the window along with the whimpering moan that left his lips when they parted for air.

When the intruding tongue started doing it’s magic, Dwight sagged as much as he could and surrendered himself to whatever was happening to the moment, because his brain to was overloaded with his surroundings, the cold of the locker, the warmth of David, David’s mouth and tongue and one hand cupping his cheek, moved up from his chin, and the other one gripping his waist and pulling him closer (or holding him in place?), and one of his thick legs moved inbetween his own and pressed into his crotch, Dwight making a higher pitched noise than what he was comfortable with, experimentally rubbing his rapidly growing erection on the wonderfully beefy thigh that he had taken to as his personal rutting post, and holy shit he was grossly sweaty even sweatier that running from a Killer and he felt so overwhelmed by the sheer muscle and strength of the man he felt like a protected twig in his arms-

“Ummm….”

Light flooded Dwight’s senses, only for him to see Jake holding the chunk of wood in one hand and holding the locker door open with another, just standing there with a look of what could be described as mild surprise on his face. He then tried to reset the door and slide the wooden bar back in, but David grabbed his arm and stepped out, dragging Dwight with him by grabbing his wrist.

“Say a word, boy, and I’ll give you a damn good thrashing.”

Jake wasn’t fazed by the threat, and simply shrugged and threw the wood he was holding and shut the locker door behind the to, like a gentleman should, and watched David lead Dwight out into the cornfield.

They were really fucking Gay™ and Jake approved. That’s why he asked the Trapper to leave them in Gay Baby Jail so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just some Kingfield shippy things I wrote for Dmod but it is still crack- ish.


	5. GGEZ NO RE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Less crack more toxic I apologize 
> 
> If y'all read my other shit, this story will be a side project, but I do enjoy writing this!
> 
> Enjoy n'y'all

The Cornfield. Meg loved the cornfield: it was great to run in _(one of her most well- known traits),_ great to juke in, and, if you got hungry for some odd reason, you could have a quick snack if you found a ear of corn _(easier said than done, but certainly plausible)._ Meg walked, not ran, as to save her Sprint Burst, to a jungle gym, and carefully climbed over a window to get to the goodies inside, namely an unopened yellow box, when she head it.

The wordless screeching that could only be contributed to the Blinking of the Nurse.

Fan- Fucking- Tastic.

But, Meg had opened the chest already, and closing it would almost certainly mean alerting the Killer of her position, but, that didn’t really matter now when the Killer has already found her first thing right off the bat-

“FUCK YOU I’M FAST AS FUCK BOIIIIII” Her retreating warcry as she used Sprint Burst to carry herself away faster than the Nurse could Blink twice, letting the chest slam shut behind her because _fuck that._ Running as fast as she could, Meg got a good sizeable distance away from the Nurse during her fatigue phase, but it was all negated when The Nurse charged up her blink again to full, her clenched fist aimed in the direction that she last saw Meg, and The Last Breath took her far, much closer than Meg was comfortable sticking around with, so when Meg heard the _schling!_ Of the Nurse’s weapon being raised, she kept running out into the corn, feeling the coarse stalks roughing up her face slowed her down none, and neither did the _whooshing_ sound of the second blink being raised, and this time the blade swung and hit her-

“AAAAAAHHGGGUUH WHAT WAS THAT WHAT THE- HOW DID THAT HIT THAT’S BULLSHIT IM CALLING BULLSHIT!” Needless to say, Meg was very unhappy about hitboxes. Even the Nurse knew that was a bit of bullshittery, so she allowed herself an extra second to recover from her blinks to allow Meg a bit of a head start. Just a small one, because there was no mercy in the Cornfields.

A second blink was more precise than they very first, but still failed to connect and Sally’s anger was palpable as her second Blink failed to fire. _She hated when that happened._ It didn’t help that her pesky prey started taunting her for her mistake, t-bagging her over and over again through rows of corn, what she could see of her anyways. _Bloody corn vision, damn the Thompsons._

“HAHA YOU MISSED BITCH!” Crouching up and down repeatedly a few times to show off her mad BM skills, the Athlete took only a few precious moments of time to taunt before taking off running amongst the wilting crops, in agonizing pain and bleeding profusely but the salt in her veins still ever strong. 

Her mission of pissing off the Killer was accomplished, but with unintended consequences. Megan heard the Nurse charge up her blink again, and it was her signal to take off, heading towards some of the wooden walls she saw off in the distance. She ran with her head turned to see behind her _(always a bad idea),_ and correctly judged that the Nurse was in no range to hit her with her first blink, but the second blink was a little too close for comfort, but Meg swiftly avoided it with a sharp left turn, out of lunging range.

The Nurse, though, had a trick up her ruffled, gray sleeves.

She feinted a missed attack, only to surprise the runner with a third blink that she was wholly unprepared for and landed a hit to her shoulder, the force of it making her do an entire front flip. _Impressive._ Of course, that silenced Meg none.

“ _Ahhh~_ FUCK YOU THAT’S BULLSHIT!” _Oh, please._ The Nurse took a moment to recover from her expenditure, head ringing with the hint of a migraine at all the yelling. _Even as a Killer, you are not spared from pains in the asses like the one on the floor._ She shook her bag- covered head at the redhead on the floor, disagreeing with her accusation, and then reached down to delicately plucked her up from her own blood pile, a combination of her own strength and telekinesis. 

She had looked down to sling her up on her shoulder, and when her vision was rightened, she saw a smaller bluer form rush forward, wielding a-

_Oh no._

The Nurse had a second glance to take notice of her field of view: one, there was a Feng Min running up to her, two, she was pointing a flashlight with a _very_ bright beam directly into her cloth- shielded eyes. And it _burned._ So much so she dropped her carry- on Survivor and reeled back, body sagging and nearly collapsing from the searing migraine busting her head open, nearing as blistering as the rage that she felt for the two females.

As soon as the brightness faded, she got tunnel vision. Normally, she wouldn’t be so greedy for one person in particular, knowing that if she didn’t end it quickly, she would get gen rushed to oblivion, but, quite frankly, she didn’t give a damn. Meg was long overdue for a date with the Entity, and she would see to it that she did not skip out on dinner this time.

Completely ignoring the Feng at her side, clicking away with her flashlight either trying to divert her attention or chain-blind her, she charged up her blink again in the direction that the scratch marks trailed off too, knowing it would have to be a long distance teleport to catch up with her _blasted sprint burst._ It took all three of her blinks to catch up with her again, to get her within clear sights of her Red Stain, and she started tbagging her again as two generators popped in the distance at almost the same time. _Remind me why I didn’t bring Ruin again?_

Meg was more prepared this time, having knowledge of the three blinks that The Nurse was packing, and was able to run around the wooden walls and pallets with ease. Tonight was not just the Nurses’ night: she kept missing her blinks by a hair’s width or getting stuck on objects that she just couldn’t seem to draw up enough energy to port through.

It took a whole other gen to be completed to get Meg down again, the runner even more salty than the first time. “FINALLY CAUGHT ME, HUH? WHAT, YA GONNA CAMP MY BODY? YOU GONNA FACECAMPE ME?-” _Oh, if only she was that pissed off enough, yes, she would. But she wasn’t quite there. Yet. Oh- IF ONLY SHE HAD A MOMENTO MORI!_

This time, the Nurse takes a few seconds to look around for any lingering tracks that didn’t belong to the energetic woman or any sign of the flashlight wielding squeaky toy. Seeing neither, she quickly lowered herself and stooped down to haul Meg over her shoulders, straightening up her back-

_THERE SHE IS AGAIN WHERE DID SHE COME FROM!?!_

The bright beam of the light penetrates her pillowcase bag and into the hollow of her eyes, and she’s forced to let Meg escape her grasp yet again, and though she was blinded, she could hear the repeated crouching of the two women directed at her, showing off their survival prowess. If Meg’s voice got on her nerves, then Feng’s _completely grated_ them away like fine cheese.

“Crusty cunt can’t kill~! GGEZ!” _She usually waits until the end of a match to say that._ Rage building as fast as her bloodlust in the midst of a chase, she recovers from her stoppage once again and blinks towards the direction that the blood trails went. Meg would eventually make a fatal mistake, and eventually the flashlight would run out of Entity power. _Eventually_ , she would catch Meg Thomas, as she will take her proper place: the back hook of the basement.

Another generator roars to life in the distance, making three down, two to go, and the thought that she needs to patrol them more pops to mind, but _Meg_ … overrides every other sensible thought that’s swarming around in whatever is left of her sanity, and she will have that girl tonight, no matter if all the others escape.

In the other Killers, rage and bloodlust would make them more sloppy and careless, their preciseness replaced by sheer brutalness, that scenario was reversed in the Nurse’s case, and all unfortunate Survivors knew by now that a Bloodlusted Nurse was a _very_ dangerous Nurse. Flying through the air again, she takes a swing at Meg’s back. Misses, but the girl doesn’t stop to tbag this time, and Sally _relishes_ the look of panic and fear that flashes through her eyes before taking off and running again.

Still paying not a lick of attention to the clicking that was growing more distant as she teleported away again, she used all three off her blinks again to catch the athlete, and she _nearly had it_ \- but a pallet caught her off guard and served as a life preserver for Meg, interrupting her swing, and her bonesaw caught in the wood. _Now THAT was real bullshit- and I was even nice to Meg in the beginning! Hmph, just shows how they’ll squash your kindness to the ground in a heartbeat._

She decides it’s worth it to take time to destroy the pallet, seeing as it was the only one in the vicinity and that removing it would give her multiple boons, she pauses for just the barest of moments after the wood goes flying, shards dropping to her feet with the power of her telekinesis, she charges up her blink for the upteenth time that night.

She surprised herself when a first, blind swing landed its target on the small of Meg’s back. Shock churned into victory, and she swung her upper body up and down in her own version of a tbag. It’s too painful to speak, but she conveys her feelings through how violently she headbangs. 

She _still_ didn’t look around when she picked Meg up, but she knew Feng was running up behind her, flashlight beam disabling her visi- _she missed! The bitch missed!_ She was blinded by the bright lights, but she had failed to do it early enough, and the Entity granted her the pleasure of carrying Miss Thomas to a nearby hook.

Notice I said carrying, not hooking. And that’s thanks to the sudden appearance of a green parka with a full head of hair giving the base of the hook she was not ten feet from the lightest of touches, and the hook collapsed and laid at his feet.

_Damn them all._

As she attempted to put Meg down, she had evidently wiggled herself free enough to where the moment she hit the ground, she jumped right back up and took off, both of the women screaming obscenities and profanities, while Jake simply slinked from view. At least Jake was decent enough not to shake his ass in her face.

“Get FUCKED! BET IT DON’T FEEL GOOD DOES- OH SHIT!” Meg had misjudged the Nurses fatigue stage, and nearly immediately went right back down, but her Sprint Burst had carried her away just in time again, just a hair out of reach of an infuriated Nurse. Another generator was completed, leaving just one left. She was going to give whoever was doing all these gens a blowjob or eat them out, whoever they are.

Unless it’s Bill. Or Ace. Or- _You know what MEGAN your picking are actually pretty slim quit making them slimmer._

“Hey! Tunneling bitch! We’re going to escape if you don’t git gud!” Clicking her flashlight at the back of the Nurse’s bag, she was caught completely off guard by a blink that turned her way and cut her along her collarbone. It sent her darting backwards, but it only fueled her insults. “U mad? Is that why you leave?” Leaving her to go right back to Meg, that is.

Even though Meg could run indefinitely, she could get tired, and after all this tunnel vision, she couldn’t ignore the soreness creeping up into her calves, and she was really hoping and praying that the final gen would be completed soon, because her feet were starting to ache and her lungs burned with the air she sucked in.

She dodged the next series of blinks without further injury, but she tripped with the last spin, and she barely made it to her feet in time to swerve another hit. Her luck ran out on the next blink, sweat dripping in her eyes and blinding her enough to run straight into a swing, and just outside the Killer’s Shack, right where the basement was.

She looked up and saw Feng’s limping outline rushing towards her red form as fast as she could, flashlight at the ready, but the Nurse had managed to arrange her pickup facing away from the beam of light Feng was ready to shine. _She was too slow in her save attempt,_ and the Nurse turned at the last moment to avoid being fully blinded.

“FENG YOU MISSED!”

“I GOT THE BEAM YOU FUCKING HACKER!”

She did, in fact, get the rapid expansion of the flashlight beam that signified the successful blind of a Killer, but she was unable to keep up the chain blind. At least the Killer was blind, her flowy form twisting away from the sound of the clicks, away from the basement, and wasted precious time avoiding being stunned. When her vision cleared, she found herself too far away from the basement to carry Meg down there escape- free, but there was a hook not too far away.

 _Was._ Jake took care of that little problem. Good thing there was _another-_

_Darn. _“Another one.”__

__“JAKE, YOU’RE A FUCKING GOD!” Came from the wiggling butt slung over the Killer’s shoulder, who quickly leapt off, and bounded away, freshly loaded with a burst of Adrenaline as the final generator powered, unlocking the exit gates._ _

__“YEAAAAAAA BITCH GET REKT!”_ _

___SMACK!_ _ _

__Que Meg, flat on the ground and severely wounded but still screaming. “Wha-? NOED?!? YOU HAVE NOED OF FUCKING COURSE YOU DO YOU PIECE OF CRUSTY SHIT OF COURSE YOU WOULD HAVE THAT CRUTCH PERK!” She’s promptly picked up again. Unfortunately, Feng was too far off healing herself to get a blind on the Killer, and the nearest hook was unsabotaged, and Jake wasn’t about to risk an insta- down hit for nothing._ _

___Megan was finally hooked, thought the furiously head-banging Nurse, not moving from her face-camping position._ _ _

__A thunderous clap resonated throughout the area, signifying that the totem that had powered the Hex Perk was destroyed, but, honestly the Nurse didn’t care. She got Meg, and she wasn’t moving._ _

__“FACECAMPING BITCH! PUSSY!” Feng, fully healed and cursing down the unmoving figure, while Jake was simply trying to worm himself inbetween everybody. Meg, from her pedestal on her hook, could see another figure rushing towards them. Quentin. He arrives a short time later, and seeing all the toxicity going on, decides to stand back for a few moments and then whispers to Jake._ _

__Jake tugs on the Nurse’s dress, and he’s greeted with a eyeless stare from Sally. And he crouches and gives her an eyelid-less one._ _

__She’s seen it before, but it always make her recoil just the slightest bit. Enough for Quentin to grab Meg underneath her armpits and take her down from the hook, out of the Entity’s grasp. Needless to say, the Killer is none too happy about the deception, and hits Meg with her bonesaw, only she _didn’t go down, cursed Borrowed Time!__ _

___Long story short (because I’m very sleepy) they all escaped with their lives, and the Nurse was pissed. Y’all know how this toxic shit goes._ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far then congrats!, you have read crack. But, yeah, I'm a Tumblr RP'er and this is where I post my crack stories. Also, there will be memes. This will be an ongoing series for a while and expect random yet frequent updates. If you have a request for something, let me know on Ao3 or at my Tumblr (which is my author name)!  
> And expect random editing cuz I get discontent sometimes.


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